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Scarred and Loved

I suffer from a chronic condition that I have to take medication for daily. Initially I had to ingest nine pills a day because of the severity of my condition. When my chronic condition is in remission, I am able to maintain it by only taking three pills a day. Recently my insurance company decided to no longer pay for the medication I had been taking for several years for my chronic condition. They suggested I try four other medications and stick with the one that works comparably best to the one they used to approve. Out of the four medications, I chose the one that was the most effective – I was required to take four pills every morning.

As time progressed, things begin to change – those changes unfortunately were marked all over my face. One day it hit me. As I stared at my speckled face, I deliberately held my tears hostage. I did not want to cry about this. I refused to even allow my tears to roll down such ugliness. No. I won’t let it happen. I shift my face to the right to inspect it. I remember thinking to myself “Hey! I think the darkness is fading” – the dark area “seemed” a little lighter. I shift and inspect the right side. As I gaze at the right side of my face into the mirror – the same mirror that told me last year how beautiful I was – the same mirror that complimented my mole on the left side of my face – the same mirror that told me I did a great job with my hair – the same mirror that told me “WOW! You’re gorgeous today” said with a whimper “look at your face, who is going to want to look at this face every morning.”

I stared in disbelief that this is actually me. Reality had dropped by and suffocated me with the news: This is what I actually look like. As I analyzed every speckle on my face I notice it began to take some sort of shape. I tilted my head to capture more of the light and there it was. My thorn, my deficiency, my speckled ugliness had taken shape in the form of a heart.

I began to weep uncontrollably because God reminded me He loved me and what I viewed as ugly He revealed to me was beautiful in His eyes.

I didn’t see beauty, all I saw was ugliness on a face that I used to recognize as me. All I saw was the discoloration and the scars that I so desperately wanted to cover up. As I grieved the loss of what I used to look like, I began to reflect on four words: fearfully and wonderfully made. I thought to myself “Yeah, yeah, yeah – I know this Scripture….AND!?!? So what”? I did not want to quote the entire Scripture – and I no longer wanted to look at who was staring back at me in the mirror. I began to change my focus. I took it off of what had taken place on my face and focused on the heart that formed in the midst of it and I remembered again His love for me.

In God’s Word, Psalm 139:14 reads "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." WOW!

The ugliness of my condition reminded me to give God thanks for who He is. It also was a reminder for me of how much He loves me and that the degree of my ugliness or flaws doesn’t motivate His love for me.

He simply loves me for me – scars, flaws and all and for that I am so grateful. I recognize I am undeserving of His genuine love for me.

I recognize that by association to Adam. I was born in sin which made my condition an ugly one. Though scarred, I also recognize that He made me in his image according to Genesis 1:27 (God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them).

In this 139th Psalm, David is making a plea to God to search his life and reveal any sin that he has harbored in his heart. David was also aware and in awe of God and His handiwork which is why he described Himself as being fearfully and wonderfully made – it was a declaration to the greatness of God and His creating power. Like David, through this experience, I recognized the magnificence of God’s creative power. The creator of the universe and of every living thing created me and because He, and He alone created me, I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. To deny that I am anything less is to deny who God is and to diminish His creating power.

My beauty is not defined by what I see. My beauty is defined by how God sees me.

Every scar, every bruise, every blemish, every irregularity that has been fashioned because of sin, has been covered by the scars and bruises Jesus Christ suffered on the Cross. Every pain, every heart break and every crushed spirit has been healed by every pain and ache he bore as He allowed Himself to be nailed to the Cross. I don’t dare wallow in my scars (visible or invisible). Instead, I submerge myself in His Word (2 Timothy 3:16-17 - All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.) and I honor Him for loving me through my scars for His love penetrates deeply and soothes those areas that have been intentionally deceived by the enemy.

His love restores. His love refreshes. His love renews. His love reminds us of the sacrifice He offered through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ.

When we personally accept that sacrifice, we are afforded the endless opportunity to be a part of God’s family. So no matter how ugly we see ourselves even in our most sinful state, because we have accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Savior, God sees the beauty behind our flaws because of the Cross. As powerful as we may think our ugliness is, God’s remedy for it was more powerful! Jesus Christ’s work on the cross took care of the ugliness of my sin as he unselfishly hung on the Cross – He did that for you – He did that for me – that’s why I can attest to His works being wonderful because my soul does know it very well and although I live with scars that may be visibly permanent, I also live with a love freely given by God that is also permanent. And for that, my heart is grateful.

Terrie Thomas, A NEW ME Blog Contributor

Get ready to embrace “A NEW ME: Transparently, Abundantly.”

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