The After Life….Living Without Giving Birth...I call it the “silent killer” as days, months, and years roll by realizing there was that thing that women dare not speak of or better yet, felt they just couldn’t speak of but deep down inside they wanted and needed to.
Giving birth is one of the most precious gifts and accomplished greatest feeling I believe a women (who desires children) has. Just the blessing of being that vessel used to grow and birth another human being is the most dynamic experience God can give. So for those who will never experience this amazing accomplishment or those who share the difficulty of not being able to experience this great blessing, can be devastating.
Al and I tried to have a child for 10yrs. Medically, we were being told our condition was “unexplained or “undetermined.” What this feels like is one who mourns a death. It hurts to the core of your soul and the depth of your being.
Women struggle everyday just to cope with the inner and outer existence (which are very different elements). Inside the pain can be debilitating. You feel like you just want to crawl up in a corner and never come out. The outer you are doing everything just to keep it together until that one person asks, “How are you doing today?” This is the moment you fall apart emotionally.
The emotions, family, friends and strangers you encounter all come with what feels like darts that we have to catch with our teeth as we smile, respond, and function silently among others. The truth is they really don't know how deep the pain we lug around.
It can take you to a place of depression and deep despair if you never understand how to live beyond it. I had to look beyond my desire and find God's purpose in it all.
First, I really want to address what women feel in this place and express what they may not have the courage to say. I have to say it for them in case they never get the strength to. I want to let them know what they feel has been repeated in other women who have struggled being in such a foreign space.
Each and everyday is a constant thought and struggle trying to find comfort in thinking, believing and encouraging ourselves that we can get to the next day, week, month, and year. For those like myself who have to live in the “After Life”, when there is a no more, we must go above and beyond to find peace and comfort knowing God will make sure there will come a time when it will ease.
Family, friends, acquaintance, strangers, myths, techniques, information...etc., (the list goes on and on) all come with so much to take in and process that many time we might feel overwhelmed. Unbeknownst to them, they all play roles in the difficult task of just maneuvering carefully while carrying our heavy emotions.
Our family and friends innocently really don’t know what to say. Strangers haphazardly say what is often commonly expected. The famous “So are you pregnant yet?” “How old are you and did you both get checked?” “You must be stressed..just relax” “I’m going to pray for you because when I do people get pregnant!” “Oh it will happen just give it time.”
I could write a book about things people have said. Some of the questions brings a flood of tears when confronted with them and some you get to a place in your head of saying “please just stop” but you hold it as a thought. You know they mean no harm, they just don’t know what to say. Those in the struggle overload ourselves with myths, information, and techniques in hopes of reaching that anxiously anticipated outcome we crave so desperately. We see it work for others and again believe it can be me too. Lets be clear, this craving is not a far and few in between desire...it's daily.
Throughout the entire month there is something going on with the process of a potential baby. Only to disappointedly embrace another “NO.” We have to press, encourage and uplift ourselves to try it again and again and again. And again...
We must prepare ourselves for it all over...once again...again. Repeating the process for another 30-31 days until we get to the point of “no more.” That's when we experience another level of peace.
Women and men carry the load differently and that brings its own levels of distractions and challenges to navigate through. Women are hurting and upset because their husbands appear to be disconnected or not showing the same emotion. Men might be struggling with their abilities and they carry the weight of it all differently. In my home if I didn’t have my rock (hubby) I would not have been any good to myself. If we both would have broken down then we would have been no good to ourselves.
One day I remember walking into his office, sat in his lap and bald my eyes out. He gently held me, and simply stayed silent. That is all I needed and I really don’t think he could say anything at that moment.
Ladies, it is not something they can fix only God can. I believe men carry the emotion of "The After Life" vastly different than women. Yet, in no way does this mean they don’t have the same despair. Most of the time they feel the responsibility to uphold us when we can't even stand or trying to prop us up on both sides so we can keep walking through life.
Ladies, men are dealing with the same challenges we are just in different ways, which you may not understand, so please do not tear him apart. Understand he will not respond and react the same way we do because we are built and designed differently on purpose. He can’t fix it, make it better, or get you to a place of comfort.
You must do the work to seek God’s face in the triumph. Yes I call it that because you can overcome victoriously! When I started writing this blog I realized it has to unfold slowly. Therefore, I hope we continue to take the journey together so you can also discover ways on how to live in the After Life.
Photos of Deborah by: Antoinette Yvonne Photography
Until then, know that God's purpose for each and everyone of us individually never looks like what we expect. Our vision is limited and based on the tangible things our flesh has grown to see. His desire for our life is predicated on His purpose and that alone. Our blessing flow from fulfilling His purpose and sometimes in life what we perceive as our blessings doesn’t always look like or manifest in a way we thought they would.
IF we stay the course and trust Him in the end we receive those priceless nuggets and God uses for His glory and His people. For that alone is greater then anything our flesh can see. This is bigger than what we desire. I know it hurts to see that now but it is true. God can take any painful experience and remove the sting so we can live if we trust Him to do it and He can make it a blessing to so many others.
I'm a witness, that despite an experience of barrenness, God can give you hope and peace to replace despair and grief. He will use your story as a multitude for many and bless you in abundantly. There is life after, the "After Life..."
Scriptures to Comfort You:
Psalm 4:16 - Psalm 25: 1-5 - John 16:20 - Ecclesiastics 3:1-8 - Proverbs 3:5-8
Thank you for the opportunity to share with you...
Deborah Davis, A NEW ME Blog Contributor
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